III: Love

well maybe i do need these pills
                                          and maybe i'm not as smart as i think i am but i still have solitude. everyfuckingwhere.
even in social circles, i still find myself hidden in a corner like an upsidedown sleeping bat.
but solitude is to be embraced.
hate in solitude is dangerous, take good care of that.
give hate those pills, i'll swallow them later.

maybe we all need a day off.

headaches are sort of gone,
my brain works from time to time.
i can't nod or shake anything that involves my neck, it twistes alltogether in a perfect mushroom shape
sometimes my spit turns to blood.

'speak' said Dr. Cameron.
'fuck off' i replied.

my hands are useless
sell them
at the amazing price of $fucking1

i'm an insect.

still i'm pretty, you know, i like me.
i like Dr Cameron because she's a professional.
i trust her.
i just don't want to talk right now.

pause.
slap.
crush
kingdom.

i have a crush on one of the patients.
she's legally insane.
she's a he.
i am everyone at the room:
from left to right i hold a cigarette with one hand and a cup of wine with the other
i wear a cozy black suit and i have a funny beard.
i'm at the toilette hating my dress and rubbing my feet on the carpet
i'm sitting on a couch next to a couple making out
that's my turn to spit the blood
spread the virus on myself

it's a cold cold night
everyone should fucking die

if i only could smash this hate against some confident wall
yeah Dr Cameron sounds like a giving a go
but i need time to hesitate.
i also need a good sleep.
and a good lay.

kind of weird
i have wings.
it's these things in my stomach
i think it's the crush i've got
on her
on him
'who's that?'
'i can't really tell now, Cameron.'

Cam
(((cum)))
yes, it's easy
she nods and writes
i have to exist.

i can't really find a good definition for love
at least nothing than a parallel life
because we are here
but we're also there
wherever we want it to be
up
down
left right
we chase the dragon
a silver dragon i guess
maybe all my neurons are in their night gowns
but i'm trying to open my heart here
with a knife of words
a rough knife of silver words
'cause i've been feeling in love.
and that doesn't mean anything with swallowing those damn pills

fuck
being in love is living the dream
living a dream leads to awakening
and we're alive
but we're just Here.

Wherever i am
is not what i dreamt.